“Give random deductions to people like, “I am 99.9 percent sure you are incompetent in the art of incompetency.” — ???
“If I had a book store, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find. ‘Excuse me, do you have any mystery novels?’ ‘That’s a damn good question.’” — ???
“Sort of is such a harmless thing to say… It’s just a filler. It doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after, ‘I love you.’ Or ‘You’re going to live’.” — ???
“My favorite fruit is grapes because with grapes, you always get another chance. If you get a crappy apple or peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you get a crappy grape, you just move onto the next one. Grapes-the fruit of hope.” — ???
“I like fruit baskets, because a fruit basket enables you to send fruit to someone without appearing insane. If you just mail somebody some apples, they’re like, ‘What the hell is this?’ But if you put those apples in a basket, they’re like ‘This is nice.’” — ???
“A drunk driver is very dangerous. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive… ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’” — ???
“He’s not dead… he’s electroencephalographically challenged.” — ???
“Squirrels…Nature’s little speed bumps.” — ???
“Evening news starts by them telling you “Good evening,” then proceeding to tell you why its not.” — ???
“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.” — ???